Last Names

Last week I called up an optometrist's office to make an appointment for Ryan. He would be a new patient (yeah, it only took us two years of having vision coverage to get around to finding an optometrist for him), so the receptionist needed to take down some information from me. She asked me if I should be listed as the emergency contact and then commented, when I gave her my name, that she was surprised I'd taken Ryan's last name and that that's not very common anymore. Um....what am I supposed to say to that? She said it like it was a positive, so am I supposed to take it like a compliment? I could've launched into a whole conversation on the topic, but it didn't seem that on the phone, making an appointment was an appropriate place to do that. So I kinda stumbled through a, "oh, hmm, yeah" and we moved on.

But, since I have the space to have that conversation here, I thought I'd do so. I have very mixed feelings about having taken Ryan's last name as my own. I do not, for one instant, believe that all people who change their name have these feelings, though I have come across some people who do. What I'm writing here are simply my own musings on the topic, as it has related to me. I do find the receptionist's statement odd, because I know many, many people who have taken their spouse's name, mostly women taking the man's name, but occasionally a man taking the woman's name. I also know a few who have both kept their birth names as well as some who have hyphenated their names. But, by and large, I'd say the majority of my friends and acquaintances share a last name.

Before we were married, I didn't give much thought about the whole changing the last name business. Partly because it was what I was used to people doing. Ryan brought it up once as something he thought would feel weird. I shrugged it off, while simultaneously realizing and vocalizing that I was actually somewhat happy to leave my original last name behind. It was associated with certain things that I didn't want to be associated with any longer. I, thankfully, had been given a middle name at birth, and so could choose to completely eliminate the last name and still have a middle name. So, yay, fresh start!, right?

Except that the process of changing my name everywhere was rather annoying, actually. Go here to do the Social Security card, make sure you have the marriage certificate with you, go there to do the driver's license, another trip and more forms to change things with the university. I actually waited on the driver's license so that I could also wait on the passport. You see, they had changed the passport laws just before we were married, no longer allowing a simple addendum to the back of the passport, but requiring the purchase of a whole new passport if a name change was needed. I knew I was hoping to travel with the orchestra that year, so I kept the passport and license in my birth name in order to make life easier (and cheaper). In addition to these annoyances, it felt weird to leave my old name behind. It was a huge part of me, though I hadn't realized it. So much of who I was was wrapped up in the name I had carried with me from birth. Erin Layton had done everything I'd ever done. Erin Phelps didn't really exist. I figured I'd get over that with time.

But I've never really become used to it. I mean, sure, I respond quite easily to my new name if someone calls it out and I never falter when typing it somewhere. But it doesn't really feel like me, if that makes any sense. I'm very detached from my name now, in a way I never was before. And, of course, there are the complicated feelings due to the fact that our last name traditions are rooted in patriarchy and women being seeing as objects; property that passes from ownership of the father to the husband. Not a fan of that at all. I've sometimes thought that maybe I should change my name back, because I kinda wish I'd never changed it in the first place. Except I can't. I've not been Erin Layton for long enough now that, while I don't feel that I'm really Erin Phelps, I also am definitely no longer Erin Layton. I've changed and grown in the past eight years in ways that definitely leave the former me behind, but for some reason they haven't cemented this new name to me. My birth name would now feel just as foreign as my current name does. I'm not even sure why it matters so much to me that I feel a connection with my name; maybe it shouldn't. But I do know that I used to feel that connection and that I no longer do. Perhaps I just need to give this new name another ten, twenty years. But if so, that makes me rather sad that I have to live that long without feeling my name as an integral part of me.

Ryan and I were discussing this one evening, and the complexities that children add to the picture. From our own situation we already knew that having me give up my identity had ended up feeling like a loss of self to a certain extent. It's not particularly fair to automatically expect that from either partner, though it does make things easy when naming the children. If we both kept our birth names then what last name would we give to the kids? Do you give some mom's name and some dad's name? (Last night we jokingly said we should've given any dark-eyed children my name and any light-eyed children Ryan's, which would've left us with a Gareth Phelps and a Malcolm Layton, but that would make name choosing much more difficult (it'd have to sound good with two different last names) and as it's a few weeks before an eye color is solidified for most babies, it would also make the naming process take longer.) Most people give their kids dad's name, though I know some who give them mom's name. But this creates the possibility of one parent feeling separate from the family unit by not sharing the same name as their spouse or children. Probably not a concern for some, but we both felt it might bother us a bit. I also know friends who married and changed their name simply so their children wouldn't feel confused as to why mom or dad had a different name. Then there's hyphenation, which seems great, with both partners taking on the other's last name in addition to their own, but it becomes a nightmare when your kids grow up and marry. Do they choose one of their hyphenated names (causing concern to them that whichever parent's name they don't choose will feel they're being rejected?) to combine with one of their spouse's hyphenated names? You really can't hyphenate again as that quickly becomes ridiculous. Smith-Yarrington-Patel-McNally would be a nightmare to spell out on forms (not to mention for kids learning to write). I think if you decide to go that route you have to be 100% okay with the idea that your kids will pick one name or the other at some point. While this wouldn't bother either of us, I don't think, the hyphenated name thing seemed far too annoying for both us and our kids. I can see why it works great for some, but it just isn't our preference.

Our best idea for us was for both partners to give up their birth name and choose a new last name for their nuclear family together. Some people would perhaps find a common ancestral name, others might use the letters from both last names to create a new one, still others might just choose one they liked. Except that we'd be horrible at this because we just aren't good at coming up with names. Ryan also pointed out that this doesn't really solve the problem, as now everyone feels a loss of identity. I pointed out in return that at least this way both partners could understand the feeling of loss, rather than leaving one partner to bear this alone. And, it has the potential to be a bonding moment as well, a choice that would symbolically represent how both parties are leaving their family of origin and beginning a new family together, which could go far to assuage the feelings of loss, as well as foster a fondness and attachment to the name that you chose together.

So, there you go, my thoughts on last names. I'm simultaneously happy that I jettisoned my birth name and sad that I didn't keep it. I think it would've been cool if we'd chosen a new last name together, but I can't imagine either of us going that route back when we got married. While I can't definitively say that I regret or am happy with the choice I made in this regard, I do wish that I'd given it much more thought, as I think doing so would've led me to feel more comfortable with whatever I/we had decided. I think that if/when our kids get to this point in their lives I will definitely encourage them to give it more thought than Ryan and I did.

Some Favorite Recipes

Several weeks ago I was chatting with a friend when she mentioned a conversation she'd had with a mutual friend about how they felt like they were always eating the same meals and realized they only had 20-30 meals in their rotation. I was somewhat aghast as we are lovers of variety in our household and would hate ourselves if we only had 20-30 meals. So I offered to send her links to some of our favorites (we've got more in cookbooks that I still need to copy for her), which ended up being about 30 meals, easily doubling my friend's rotation (assuming they like all of these as well).

I ended up sending the links to another friend, who used them in a presentation (she's a dietician) and to the other friend who'd originally complained of having so few recipes. Because I get great joy out of sharing recipes, I decided I'd post the recipes I shared here as well, in case anyone who reads feels a need for some new ideas.

Fruit salad - excellent for summer, I just grab whatever fruit is looking good at the time, cut it up, toss with some lemon juice and serve with some bread on the side.

Falafel with Avocado spread - vegetarian and another one that Gareth loves. I usually double this for our family.

Arugula Salad w/chicken and apricots - Delicious, though I leave off the apricots since Ryan doesn't like sweet and savory mixed.

Peanut-Broccoli Stir-fry - This is a must for trying tofu, and currently Ryan's favorite.

Mediterranean Orzo - Good vegetarian meal. I left out the olives because I'm not a fan. And probably replaced any eggplant called for with zucchini.

Grilled Chicken and Pesto Farfalle - this one is super tasty and makes a lot, so it's good for when you want leftovers

Quinoa-Potato Croquettes - Ryan and I really like these, but I know some of my siblings are less enthusiastic about them. I probably use more garlic than called for.

Cavatappi w/spinach, beans and feta - A good solid recipe. I really enjoyed it the first few times I made it, but haven't been putting it on the menu as much lately. So, good, but we tired of it relatively quickly. I replace the garbanzo beans with white beans.

Chalupa Dinner Bowl - This is a crockpot meal and makes enough for about three meals, so if I make it I divvy it up and freeze two thirds for later use. I also use soft flour tortillas rather than the bowls (less messy). It's essentially a pork taco filling.

Smoked Gouda Mac'n Cheese - It calls for ham, but I usually leave the ham out, tastes good either way, Gareth loves it.

Vietnamese Seitan baguettes - This is a vegan one and delicious. Though it takes fore-thought (if you make your own seitan, which is easy to make, but takes a couple hours to cook), which I usually don't have, so I haven't made it in forever.

Coconut Chicken Fingers - we serve these over rice rather than with dipping sauces. 

Pasta with Zucchini and Toasted Almonds - Simple and delicious, but one I only do in summer due to the tomatoes.

Chicken Curry

Black Bean and Corn Tostadas - Nothing amazing, but tastes good and is easy and meatless.

Spicy Chicken Shawarma

Butternut Squash and Smoky Black Bean Salad - This one entertained Ryan's taste buds. :)

Grilled Veggie and Hummus Wraps - I sub zucchini for the eggplant.

Spaghetti Carbonara w/Leeks and Pancetta - I sub bacon for the pancetta

Potato-Kale Soup - Gareth usually does a good job of eating this one.

Emerald City Salad

Heirloom Tomato and Basil Panzanella - The bread part of this makes a delicious snack as well.

Black bean and Goat Cheese Quesadillas

Bow Ties w/Tomatoes, Feta, Balsamic Dressing - I leave out the grapes.

Chicken and Asparagus in White Wine Sauce - So delicious, and quite easy as well.

Basil Chicken in Coconut-Curry Sauce - One of Ryan's favorites

Bistro Chicken and White Wine Bisque - Needs to be doubled (or at least 1.5x)

Scalloped Potatoes - The "make once-a-year so you don't clog your arteries" recipe.

Gareth's favorite is pasta salad: 1 lb rotini pasta, chopped bell pepper, green peas, tomatoes (in summer), and ham (unless I want it meatless), mixed with some ranch dressing and ground black pepper. My brother adds cheese cubes to this.

We also enjoy veggie quesadillas, where I use whatever veggies we have around, maybe chard, zucchini, onion, pepper, and cook those up and then make quesadillas with them, serving with sour cream and salsa and occasionally guacamole. Great way to get some leafy greens and other veggies in.

Cheese and veggie sandwiches - Zucchini, sliced lengthwise; sweet onion slices; sliced bell pepper - grill or cook these. Then grill slices of sourdough bread until lightly toasted. Spread some ranch or other dressing of choice on inside of bread slices (don't overdo this - only a thin spread is needed; if you overdo it they sandwiches go from delicious to disgusting), place sliced mozzarella and veggies between two slices of bread and then cook sandwich in panini press or grill (we use our Foreman grill for this) until cheese is melty.

New Shoes

For many people purchasing new footwear is a pedestrian affair, hardly worthy of a blog post. But not so for me! My sneakers were in desperate need of replacing, and have been for months. I wish I had a picture of them so I could share their awfulness with everyone. The sole on one shoe was coming apart from the body and both shoes had large holes and rips in them. But buying new shoes is a difficult, painful affair. Ryan can order online for much of his clothing, but for me the size I need can change from brand to brand and even within the same store at times. Some shoes fit me in a 7.5, others an 8, and even occasionally an 8.5. I have to try them on before purchasing and then there's the cost, which is usually at least one month's worth of our clothing budget (yeah, we probably need to budget more for clothing). 

So a couple weeks ago I received an email from Gareth's teacher letting the parents know that we needed to bring in a shoe box for the kids to decorate for their valentines. Apparently it was the perfect motivation to get myself out the door and to a shoe store, since we don't have any empty shoe boxes hanging around. I ventured down to Market Street Shoes, not sure what I'd find since I didn't recall seeing many women's sneakers there, and not even entirely sure of what I wanted except for knowing I needed to be able to walk forty blocks every weekday in it and that I kind of wanted something that could be casual or dress up a bit. I was tired of feeling like I had no shoes that could dress up jeans to get that in-between casual and dressy look. 

Into the store I walked, looking a bit at what was on the wall until someone came to help me. I showed her the horrific state of my current sneakers (she was appropriately aghast) and told her what I was thinking and she set to work pulling shoes for me. At some point she asked me when I'd purchased the horrific sneakers and I realized that we'd been here two years and I'd bought those between one and two years before we left Indiana. So it'd been somewhere between three and four years since I'd purchased any shoes at all, this whole time the horrific sneakers were in my mind "new", right up until they started falling apart. This is my problem with clothing in general. It's always new until I'm shocked to see it's completely worn out. 

In the end I found a couple pair of shoes to buy (it helped that she gave me generous discounts on them, and one was already on sale), neither of which are sneakers. I will go out and buy a pair of sneakers at some point, but it feels good to get away from sneakers as my everyday wear for a while.

The more casual pair. I love that they slip on (something else I've been wanting for years), making quick outside errands such as taking out the trash or getting the mail so much easier, especially on rainy days:

And the second pair, which look great with jeans, but would also look excellent with dress pants or a skirt. I like the color that has a reddish tint (the shoe company is calling it burgundy), so they can go well with just about anything:

After this experience, I'm even more sold on small, local businesses than I was before. It may cost more, but it's worth it. I hate walking into big chains where it's impossible to get decent service and the employees don't really have any expertise in or passion about what they're selling half the time. I end up overwhelmed by the sheer number of choices and if I do manage to find something, am not certain at all that I really like it when I walk out. Going to the small local business I had an employee willing to spend as much time as I needed focused on me, figuring out exactly what I wanted. The employee who helped me was determined to find something that would work (she really didn't want me going home in the horrific sneakers), but also not pushy, reminding me that there will always be more shoes so I wasn't going to be missing out if I chose not to buy this particular pair this day. I walked out of the store after an hour feeling completely satisfied with my experience. Which is exactly the kind of feeling I want to have if I'm going to be spending a couple months worth of our clothing budget. 

Surprise

We don't usually do much for Valentine's Day. I've never been very into it, beyond my elementary school years when valentines for classmates were compulsory. Occasionally Ryan might get some flowers or I might make a meal that I know Ryan loves, but we keep it pretty low-key.

This year was no different. I made heart-shaped sugar cookies for Gareth's valentines, baking the cookies on Monday, frosting them on Tuesday and packaging them up on Wednesday. Gareth helped cut out paper hearts and addressed all of them over a couple of days. We successfully passed them out to classmates yesterday morning. (Side note: kids are getting waaay more candy in their valentine boxes than we did when I was a kid. Gareth has 26 kids in his class and almost every one included a lollipop or pez or fun dip or some such with their valentine. I like doing the cookies because I remember enjoying that tradition from my childhood, but I'm starting to rethink that idea because holy crap he had a ton of sugar yesterday between their party and the valentines!)

We'd had some extra cookies which Ryan and I had enjoyed throughout the previous few days, but which were pretty much gone by yesterday. I wasn't worried about it because, like I said, we don't make a big deal of the day. We had dinner, Ryan went to the gym, I got the boys in bed and enjoyed reading a book while I had the chance. Ryan came home carrying bananas and some cookies and I prepared to set aside my book so we could watch something together. Then he surprised me by saying he had a Valentine surprise and to stay where I was. Out he went to the car, with me expecting him to come back in with flowers (he had just come from the store after all). I was shocked when he walked back in with this:

(The mixer, not the knives; we've had the knives since before we were married.) I mean, yes, I've been wanting one for ages, but I really wasn't expecting it last night. Maybe next Christmas or the next, certainly not randomly in the middle of the year. Anyway, someone at work had ended up with an extra and Ryan grabbed the opportunity to get it for a great price. It's perhaps not the color we would've chosen ourselves, but it actually looks quite nice with the black countertop/yellow paint. I'm still rather giddy from the surprise today, and excited to try it out and see how it does. I'm just having a hard time deciding what to make first...

Blueberry Breakfast Bake

One of my friends commented on the Christmas post asking about our traditional Christmas morning breakfast, so I'm going to post it here for them (and anyone else who'd like to try it). This tradition comes from Ryan's family, who got the recipe from somewhere, but I don't know where, so I can't credit it.

Blueberry Breakfast Bake

8-10 slices white bread, cut into 1" pieces

8 oz. cream cheese, cut into .5" pieces

1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries

8 eggs

1.5 cups milk

blueberry syrup

Grease a 9x13 baking dish. Spread half of bread in the dish. Top with cream cheese. Sprinkle with blueberries. Spread remaining bread over blueberries. Beat eggs and milk until blended; pour over bread. Cover with foil and refrigerate 8-24 hours. About 1 1/4 hours before serving, heat oven to 350 degrees. Bake, covered, 30 minutes. Uncover and bake 25-30 minutes more or until top is puffed and center is set. Serve with blueberry syrup.

The original recipe just calls for 8 slices of bread, but I think it also uses a slightly smaller dish, so I usually use as much as is needed to cover my 9x13 dish, which I believe is 9 or 10 slices. I think I probably use more than one cup of blueberries as well. Also, you can buy "blueberry syrup" that is essentially blueberry-flavored corn syrup. If that grosses you out, simply pour some of your leftover frozen blueberries in a small saucepan with a small amount of butter and your preferred salt and, if desired, a tiny bit of sugar, and cook until it's warm/juices are flowing. This year we threw in some raspberries as well. Much tastier than the corn syrup.

We don't usually have much leftover of this, but our experience has taught us that it tastes much better fresh from the oven and doesn't re-heat particularly well. I find the leftovers edible, but not nearly as delicious, while Ryan doesn't even consider the leftovers edible.

Malcolm at 10 months

I missed 9 months, but I'll include his stats here. Malcolm's on the small side (no surprise there!), which was really made clear when we went to dinner with some friends. Their 4 month old was as big as Malcolm, a little bigger even. But considering he started out life 3 lbs. larger than Malcolm, I guess that isn't too surprising. At his 9 month visit Malcolm was 27.5 inches long (25%), 16.14 lbs (10%) and had a head circumference of 45.25 (55%). I love that our doctor doesn't focus on the percentiles, but just on whether he's growing or not.

Malcolm's learned how to drink from his sippy cup, though tilting it very far up is not figured out yet, so the water level has to remain above a certain point or he gets frustrated. He's definitely a crawler, but a belly crawler. So he does the whole crawling motion, but keeps his belly on the ground. He was starting to pull himself up into a kneeling position, but he was using the tv stand to do so. This meant that after his knees slipped on the floors and he whacked his head against the stand a couple of times he decided pulling up on things was a bad idea and hasn't been too keen to continue practicing that skill. I'm interested to see how long it takes for him to try again and to start pulling up to standing. Gareth was starting to do that around this time, but our apartment in VA had low window sills that were perfect for that and our couch at the time was much lower as well. I look around our house here and don't see a lot that Malcolm will be able to pull up on.

Teeth numbers 5 and 6 made an appearance a couple of weeks ago, after putting us all through much grumpiness. Sleeping at night is still a work in progress. I've stopped nursing him at night, but he still wakes up at least once each night. We let him cry for a while and then go tuck him back in. Often he's able to fall asleep after us going in just once, but occasionally he continues crying or else wakes up several more times through the night. He seems to be a much lighter sleeper than Gareth was (and is).

He's really into finger foods these days, and usually gets a bit upset if you're only feeding him with the spoon and not giving him something to feed himself. He's been enjoying getting to eat the foods we eat and particularly loved some spinach and cheese spanakopita we had at a friends house the other day.

Malcolm loves playing with Gareth and continues to be fascinated and amused by everything Gareth does. When they're supposed to be going to sleep, he likes to sit in his crib and jabber while Gareth reads aloud each night. He likes playing peek-a-boo and if he's being grumpy you can usually make him momentarily happy by singing pat-a-cake, eensy-weensy spider, or wheels on the bus with him. His separation anxiety is quite strong these days, though he did show some improvement when we left him with a sitter last weekend. He still cried most of the time we were gone, but did calm down for dinner and a half hour before bedtime and was sound asleep when we got home. Considering that the last time we left him with a sitter he cried the entire time we were gone (and was still crying in his crib when we returned at midnight), having at least a few minutes of calm is major improvement.

While we're often annoyed with Malcolm when he cries during the night, we all enjoy having him around when we're more awake. It's astonishing to me that an entire year has almost passed. Ryan and I were dreading these first several months and now they're behind us, seemingly so much more easily than they were the first time around.

Something's Missing

Gareth lost his first tooth last night. It's been loose for a while, so it was no surprise. And, in the end, he swallowed it while eating dinner. I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the only tooth he swallows, as neither Ryan nor I are willing to pull his teeth, and Gareth didn't do a whole lot of wiggling of the tooth himself, so it's not likely that he'll pull a tooth out while wiggling it. He was very excited to get to put a tally mark on his classroom's tooth tally today.